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"Americans, I'll say it straight out, have the best sense of humor of any people on earth. We'd better. We are the world's most unsettled people constantly inconstant, dreaming our possible dreams, freedom-maddened and opportunity-teased, self-improving and self-punishing (also other-improving and other-punishing). We must laugh with each other or die. Our humor is that serious."

Nelson W. Aldrich

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend Peterson is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $622 back in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so kindly send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Chester Miller

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese? Thanks.

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Student Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) from some schools in Texas.

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Thanks to:

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  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • Never knock on Death's door; Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  • If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
  • The mind is like a parachute; It works much better when it's open.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Good health and longevity are merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
  • A jury is 12 people who determine which client has the better attorney.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Honest Ernest

When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants. After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want anyone to know she had another baby...."

Thanks to:

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A man flying from Sao Paulo, Brazil to Switzerland was arrested after airport authorities searched his suitcase.

Officials said they found packages of about 50 pounds of cheap cheese. Curious as to why someone traveling to a country know for its quality cheese would lug 50 pounds of inferior cheese in their luggage.

Gerardo Gallo had stuffed more than 20 pounds of cocaine inside the packages of cheese.

Coke and a cheese sandwich please...

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"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone."

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and wryly responded, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years."

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If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease until they become depressed and depleted. Bedmakers can be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors delivered, examiners detested and composers will decompose.

Most amazing of all, politicians will be devoted.

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First graders' closings

  • Strike while the... bug is close
  • It's always darkest before... daylight savings time
  • Never underestimate the power of... termites
  • You can lead a horse to water, but... how?
  • Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty
  • No news is... impossible
  • If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning
  • The pen is mightier than the... pigs
  • Where there's smoke, there's... pollution
  • A penny saved is... not much
  • Two's company, three's... the musketeers
  • If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries
  • You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box
  • When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way

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Angela Coqueran has filed suit in New York state after the manager of a Manhattan McDonalds restaurant refused to sell the 37-year-old woman a Happy Meal so she could get her Teenie Beanie Baby collectible toy. Her attorney claims the manager is clearly in violation of "Happy Meal rules..." which, as you know, carries the death penalty...

Thanks to:

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Say what?

Nothing says you love 'em like something from the oven. And no one sticks their foot in it like a politician. The following quotes are from Washington, DC Mayor Marion Barry, the only mayor I know of who did hard time for smoking crack cocaine and was then re-elected to office.

  • The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.
  • I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.
  • If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.
  • First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
  • Bitch set me up.
  • I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.
  • The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
  • I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
  • People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
  • The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
  • I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
  • What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
  • People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!
  • I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man, I am a humble man.

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three seats in the posh Amarillo theater. An usher came by and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle then returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation then asked, "Okay buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony."

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According to Great Falls, Mont. Sheriff John Strandell, Raymond Lutz, also of Great Falls, told him he was going 104 mph in a 45 mph speed zone because "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off...."

Is that what they mean by the spin cycle?

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Elizabeth Hallin has been levied a fine of $680 by a district court judge in Sweden for naming her son "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116." The name, says Ms. Hallin, is pronounced "Albin...."

Thanks to:

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a skyscraper. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful woman stepped out.

The father said, "Son, go get your mother."

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When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

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Dear Son:

I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle, and haven't seen them since.

It rained twice this week three days the first time, and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home that said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your father: he has a a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister: she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving; the other two was in the back. The driver got out; he rolled down the window, and swam to safety. The other two drowned.We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much happened. Write more often.



P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking the man couldn't take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked across the lounge toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for staring so, the young woman said, "I'll do anything absolutely anything, you want me to do for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and carefully counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into the woman's eyes and slowly, deliberately said, "Paint my house."

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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

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If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.


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John Penman Jones
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