|"Americans, I'll say it straight out, have the best sense of
humor of any people on earth. We'd better. We are the world's most
unsettled people — constantly inconstant, dreaming our possible dreams,
freedom-maddened and opportunity-teased, self-improving and self-punishing
(also other-improving and other-punishing). We must laugh with each other
or die. Our humor is that serious."
Secretary of Agriculture
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) from some schools in Texas.
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When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants. After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want anyone to know she had another baby...."
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A man flying from Sao Paulo, Brazil to Switzerland was arrested after airport authorities searched his suitcase.
Officials said they found packages of about 50 pounds of cheap cheese. Curious as to why someone traveling to a country know for its quality cheese would lug 50 pounds of inferior cheese in their luggage.
Gerardo Gallo had stuffed more than 20 pounds of cocaine inside the packages of cheese.
Coke and a cheese sandwich please...
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone."
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and wryly responded, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years."
If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease until they become depressed and depleted. Bedmakers can be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors delivered, examiners detested and composers will decompose.
Most amazing of all, politicians will be devoted.
First graders' closings
Angela Coqueran has filed suit in New York state after the manager of a Manhattan McDonalds restaurant refused to sell the 37-year-old woman a Happy Meal so she could get her Teenie Beanie Baby collectible toy. Her attorney claims the manager is clearly in violation of "Happy Meal rules..." which, as you know, carries the death penalty...
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Nothing says you love 'em like something from the oven. And no one sticks their foot in it like a politician. The following quotes are from Washington, DC Mayor Marion Barry, the only mayor I know of who did hard time for smoking crack cocaine and was then re-elected to office.
The cowboy lay sprawled across three seats in the posh Amarillo theater. An usher came by and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle then returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation then asked, "Okay buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony."
According to Great Falls, Mont. Sheriff John Strandell, Raymond Lutz, also of Great Falls, told him he was going 104 mph in a 45 mph speed zone because "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off...."
Is that what they mean by the spin cycle?
Elizabeth Hallin has been levied a fine of $680 by a district court judge in Sweden for naming her son "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116." The name, says Ms. Hallin, is pronounced "Albin...."
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a skyscraper. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful woman stepped out.
The father said, "Son, go get your mother."
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle, and haven't seen them since.
It rained twice this week — three days the first time, and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home that said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your father: he has a a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister: she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving; the other two was in the back. The driver got out; he rolled down the window, and swam to safety. The other two drowned.We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Not much more news at this time. Nothing much happened. Write more often.
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking the man couldn't take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked across the lounge toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for staring so, the young woman said, "I'll do anything — absolutely anything, you want me to do for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and carefully counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into the woman's eyes and slowly, deliberately said, "Paint my house."
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
John Penman Jones
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